For clarification purposes, I will not refer to director Sam Raimi’s Spidey (the early 2000 live action movie series) as Peter Parker. He simply isn’t Peter Parker. He is Tobey Maguire. I don’t care what anyone says.

Oh! And just so you know, this post has a bunch of poorly sized and organized photographs, one of which should make you laugh. Let me know in the comments which one it was.

That being said, this one is kinda long, so slip those endurance reading caps over your head and plow on ahead …

Is it just me or does Tobey Maguire seem happiest when he isn’t Spider-Man? I mean, when he was a nerd-face in I and II, and when he went emo-core in III, didn’t he seem like the happiest guy on the block? Whenever he fell down in his nerd-face mode, he always sprang up with the gracefulness of a gazelle. When he was an emo-core punk, the girl next door gave him attention and fed him cookies while his one-armed reptilian professor told him that the black suit of death would make him dance unashamedly in jazz night clubs. You can’t tell me that the poor guy wasn’t happy. Sure, busting bad guys felt good for the Spider, but everyone knows that you can’t sling webs 24/7. You gotta take a break and go home to the family now and again.

Speaking of family … I would contend that Tobey Maguire is happiest when Mary Jane is not the object of his affections, but rather, his disdain. Sure, he kinda still liked her in II when he pretty much told her that he didn’t care if she was married, he still wanted to go out and eat hamburgers with her. And you might say that he had positive feelings for her that his emo-core self didn’t know how else to express except in a strange, embarrassing, finger-snapping-infused dance-off. But if she was out of the picture, he was free to have fun, do well in science class, and eat homemade cookies from the hand of Olga. Or was it Gretchen? (Not being racist or perpetuating stereotypes. I’m just not sure what her name is.)

“Eating hamburgers makes me happy. Do they make you happy?”

I like to tear my shirt open like I’m Superman or something. But I’m really just an emo-core punk with a suit that demon possesses me. Don’t think too much about that.

“Do they make those cookies in emo-core flavor? They do? Sweet. Make me some more of those.”

You wanna look like this? Eat some emo-core cookies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If he had a choice, I’m almost sure Tobey would give up his Spidey powers forever. For no apparent reason, he seems to be losing his powers in II. The waning of his powers coincides with his internal struggle with being Spider-man. He desperately wants to love Mary Jane as something more than a friend. But he knows that he can’t, because everyone will come after her and kill her if they know that she belongs to the Spider. Of course, in II, the Octopus goes after her even while she is about to get married to J^3’s son. (He may have witnessed the scandalous scene which transpired there a few seconds earlier. After hearing that Tobey Maguire didn’t love her, Mary Jane proceeds to grab his hand while wearing her engagement ring, and ask him to kiss her. Of course, we know that she is trying to “feel” if he is the one who gave her the kiss as Spider-Man (which is straight up creepy). Doc Ock had to have seen this. There is no other justification for why he chose to steal Mary Jane from the Tobes.)

And if you keep thinking about it, Mary Jane just keeps getting herself into trouble that has little to nothing to do with Tobey Maguire. The reason why she is attacked by the Green Goblin is because of Harry. Let me clarify. Harry loves his dad, but his dad doesn’t care for him. So, in an effort to reach out to his dad, he tells him his girlfriend issues, which just so happen to involve both the Tobes and our girl, MJ. It is this information that gives the Goblin the idea that he could use MJ as bait for the Spider. Clearly not his fault.

I’ve already cleared up II. That was Mary Jane’s fault. She should not have been trying to kiss guys while wearing her engagement ring. If she had been acting like a good fiancé, she would’ve been perfectly safe.

She has an engagement ring on that finger. And there’s a menorah in the background. Just saying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lastly, in III, Eddie Brock decides to grab her because he is in love with Gwen Stacy and wants to get Petey away from her. Although Tobey is involved, he is not responsible. All this to say: if they get together, I’m almost sure that they wouldn’t have much problems. In fact, if you think about it, she only ever has a problem once a movie. And we all know that Spider-Man is gonna save her. Now, show us a few times when he fails and people die, and then maybe I would agree with the poor guy. Instead, Spider-Man II is just one long emotional roller coaster ride, and I’m only observing the relationship. I can’t even give any advice, even if it would be ignored. It’s troubling. And III is no different. It’s just too much.

I’m telling you, if Tobey Maguire just dumped the outfit in another garbage bin, he’d be so happy. If he chose to will away his powers – like he did in II – then he would be able to get married to Mary Jane – which, I hope, is what he wants to do with her – and they would live happily ever after. No more Spider-Man. Unless he reveals how he became the Spider and people attempt to imitate it, sparking a Neogenic nightmare in which thousands of Spider-Men crawl around the city, using their powers for neither good nor evil, if that is even possible. But he still wouldn’t be Spider-Man and it’d be someone else’s problem.

And Uncle Ben wouldn’t be dead. And the Sandman would probably still be in jail. And Bone-Saw would still be throwing down in the underground wrestling matches. Let’s not forget the most important things that he did as Spider-Man, long before he donned the professional red suit.

So, yeah. Let Tobey Maguire live out his dreams as nerd-face/emo-core Peter Parker, and he would be just swell. We would never have to see his leaky eyes, of which I would have been most grateful. In the words of the MJ of “Spider-Man 3 HISHE” : You cry too much!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just for fun, watch this video!  How SpiderMan 3 Should Have Ended

And this one, just b/c it’s funny 😀 How the Amazing SpiderMan Should Have Ended